Our Miscarriage StoryMay 04, 2022
We lost our first baby.
For the short period of time we knew we were expecting, we were ecstatic. We planned where, when, and how we would tell our families and friends, started a registry, and made our first appointments. We were on cloud nine.
My husband said to me multiple times, “This is the best feeling ever”. There truly was no feeling like it. We were going to be what we called “real parents” and not just dog parents.
When I miscarried at 5 weeks, I was confused and at first, in denial.
It started with cramping and then bleeding, which I didn’t panic about initially because I read online that those symptoms are normal in the first trimester. On March 29th I had three client calls scheduled, but I felt the nudge to take another pregnancy test.
Sure enough, I read those “NOT PREGNANT” words on my ClearBlue test minutes before my scheduled client call.
I had just taken a positive test the evening before. How could this be?
At first I tried to brush it off so I could take my call, but then it hit me. I was no longer a mom-to-be. I wouldn’t get to hold my baby on Christmas, he or she was not going to be born in 2022 (the year of the Tiger), and we no longer had that exciting news to share with our loved ones.
We didn’t have to tell all of our family and friends about the miscarriage if we didn’t want to because we never got the chance to share our joy and excitement with them in the first place. In a matter of days our world was flipped upside down. Twice.
I tried calling my husband at work, but he was in a meeting, so I called my mom and sisters and broke down with all of them. I had already sent my youngest niece a onesie that read “big cousin”, so I called my sister and had to tell her never mind.
It was truly a heartbreak like no other.
I walked around feeling like a Zombie, emotionally exhausted. I felt distant from everything and everyone. All I could think about was that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I had to keep telling myself that because I really couldn’t believe it. This was our first and we were ready.
I’ll never forget watching the episode of Modern Family where Gloria found out she was pregnant, it was the same day I did too. I felt connected to her, but after losing our baby, it was difficult watching those episodes and seeing her belly grow.
Part of me felt like I didn’t have the right to be upset or hurt. My pregnancy was early and we only knew of our little one for a brief moment of time. I couldn’t help but feel as if our loss wasn’t a loss at all. I found myself comparing our loss to others’ losses. Other women experience loss far later in their pregnancies and I hadn’t even had the opportunity to experience symptoms yet.
But then I am reminded that I am mourning the life of THIS baby, not A baby. And while I am hopeful that we may get to celebrate the birth of a child one day, he or she will not replace this one.
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13
I’ve also felt like I shouldn’t get sad when all of my sponsored ads are pregnancy or baby-related, or get upset when people ask myself or my husband when we plan to start having babies.
I find myself wondering if I will have that same level of pure joy and excitement if we are lucky enough to conceive again. The reality is that a positive test does not equate to a healthy pregnancy or baby.
I am still processing my emotions, but I feel called to share our story, even if the end is still unwritten. As believers of Christ, we still want to question the why, but instead I am choosing to question the how. How can He use our loss to serve and love on others who are also hurting?
If you’ve experienced loss or will experience loss in the future, I hope you find a level of comfort in our story, in knowing that you are not alone, that your pain is valid no matter how long you got to love on your baby.
You are a mom.
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